Are my problems ‘bad enough’ for therapy?

Are you thinking about starting counselling but aren’t sure if your problems ‘count’ as needing therapy?

Maybe you feel guilty or embarrassed that what you are going through isn’t as bad as other people’s experiences.

Or that your therapist is silently thinking to themselves something like: “this person’s problems aren’t real problems…”? (we’re not.)

It’s really normal to ask these sorts of questions the first time you look into having counselling (and at any time). In my experience, these feelings result in part from public misconceptions about what therapy is and who it’s for, and from outdated attitudes around mental health and what it means to express our feelings.

Our NHS is doing its absolute best, and we are beyond fortunate to have a free healthcare system in the UK. But, due to budget cuts, our NHS has limited resources for mental health and counselling. This means that it needs to prioritise who gets an appointment, according to whether or not they meet various medical thresholds for treatment (leading to long waiting lists).

Unfortunately, this adds to the idea that you have wait to be at a certain level of distress with certain symptoms that can be medically recognised in order to get counselling.

The truth is, everybody is equally deserving of help, whatever their situation. Therapy is a space where you can bring anything, at any time: whether you are at a real low point, or feeling lost, or wanting to learn more about yourself. If it’s a human experience, you can bring it to therapy.

Here, I’ll try to address some of the unhelpful and outdated myths, stigma, and misconceptions around what it means to come to therapy, and to have counselling.

Wanting or needing help doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you

Let’s challenge the phrase “bad enough”. What might this phrase imply?

that to struggle, to feel, or to express our feelings

= something bad

A major misconception about therapy and mental health is that by needing help we are somehow faulty and need to be fixed. This kind of thinking has roots in long-standing stigma and judgmental attitudes around mental health issues, and a societal expectation in the UK to keep our emotions suppressed (but that’s another blog post for another day!).

Without realising it, when we think of therapy and mental health as existing within a hierarchy of “bad enough”, we place a judgement on ourselves, and on others and their mental health. In a way, we are buying in to the stigma that people who are in crisis, experiencing psychosis, or have experienced trauma are who and what count as “bad enough” for therapy. And that’s not fair on anyone.

It’s absolutely OK (and normal) to not feel OK - whatever that looks like for you.

If we expect ourselves to be OK all the time, we feel shame and self-criticism when we do inevitably find things difficult (which has a big effect on men’s mental health in particular). This makes it incredibly hard to tell someone - or ourselves - that we are struggling. This then leads to our struggles getting worse and worse, in silence. A really unhelpful and sad cycle to be stuck in!

Your therapist or counsellor will not judge you or what you are going through - no matter how small you think your problems might look to them. Life is full of challenges that effect us all differently. Your counsellor’s focus is on you, and importantly, what your experiences mean to you.

People come to therapy for all kinds of reasons, at all stages of life.

You don’t only have to wait until things become completely overwhelming in order to ask for help (but that’s fine too). You might want help with making a big decision about work, being unemployed, choosing a university, feeling isolated in a new city, or going through a break-up. You might come to therapy during a major life stage, like preparing to get married, or when you become a parent for the first time!

Equally, counselling is there to support you when you are grieving the death of a loved one, when something awful has happened to you, or when you feel like things have fallen apart and you don’t know what to do.

Therapy is a space for everyone to use, at any time, for whatever they feel they need help with.

You don’t even need to have a specific ‘reason’ to come to therapy

It’s easy to assume that you can’t come to therapy unless you have a specific, clarified reason or problem.

Actually, I would say that a brilliant time to make use of therapy is when you feel like life is generally going OK, but your gut is telling you that something isn’t quite right. Maybe you’re curious to learn more about yourself, all of the aspects of your identity, why you find yourself repeating certain situations in life, or why you get the feeling that there’s more to life that you haven’t discovered yet.

I work a lot with life direction in my practice, particularly with people in their 20s and 30s. Working with a therapist is ideal if you are looking to figure out who you are and what you want in life, without judgement or expectation from family members or friends. Therapy is a place to increase your self-awareness, gain clarity in life, to figure out what matters to you and what direction you want (or don’t want) to take.

You don’t have to provide your therapist with a specific reason why you want counselling. What matters is your curiosity about yourself, and taking the leap to follow your intuition. Who knows what you might learn?

Have you learned to believe that you and your feelings aren’t important to others?

Where did you first hear the idea that your problems aren’t bad enough? If you are noticing feelings of guilt or embarrassment in ’making a fuss’ in talking about your problems, this could be a great thing to bring up with your therapist. It could be that you had earlier experiences of not being listened to, or even being gaslighted by someone when trying to share your perspective.

Maybe you were raised to be ‘the responsible one’ in your family, and were expected to take care of others. What impact has that had on you, your happiness, and your fulfilment in life?

Your therapist will be able to gently and compassionately help you unpack where these thoughts have come from, and offer you a new experience of being understood and accepted, just as you are.

You matter, and so do your feelings and experiences.

The takeaway: therapy is one of the best forms of self-care you can give yourself

Hopefully this post has given you a fresh perspective on therapy, and on how it really can help with whatever is going on in your life right now.

One of the wonderful things about therapy is that as well as tackling challenges head-on when life pulls the rug from under you, it provides preventative self-care: helping to manage stresses before they build up, and helping you to learn more about yourself.

The safe and accepting space of therapy is there for you in your lowest moments, when you’re lost and not sure what to do next, and when you want to take care of your mental health long-term.

When we invest in our own mental health, we become better able to live fulfilling lives, and connect meaningfully with the people we love. Whatever you’re going through, please don’t think you have to go it alone.

If this post has resonated with you, if you have any further questions about therapy, or are interested in working together, please feel welcome to get in touch.